Name Regret

If you've ever had a kid, I'm sure you know what I'm referring to. Not to say that everyone, or anyone, will experience name regret, just that I'm sure you are familiar with the term, because if you don't have it, you probably worried that you would.

I've got it.

BAD.

One would think, but she's not here yet, you've got time to fix this! No. Not really. I've tried 'fixing it'. It just turns out shitty and undesireable. So. Here's where this all started.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we were 17wks along. Almost everyone was already asking what we were naming it and we hadn't even decided whose last name it'd have. (Which we did decided relatively quickly that she'd have BOTH of our last names, due to the fact that regardless of marriage, I'm going to have the same last name. Which both families through a colossal fit about and made us both feel like shit. Boo-hoo. That's something that was never up for discussion, and even if it was we could reason our way around it, no one chooses what name they have, but you do choose whether you'll need 'proof' to pick your kid up from school.) We had a few picked out just in case, but since I was so sure it'd be a boy, I only put time into that gender's names. Which we landed a lovely Zander Van Kruz Hamilton Greenbank. Say that five times fast. Just kidding, you'll give your tongue a cramp.

When we found out our darling dumpling was a female, things got really personal, and really difficult to agree on. Levi didn't like anything, but never really put any time into picking one out himself, either. I felt like I was just taking my beloved picks to him for slaughter. "That's unique.....but she's never going to look like an ____." Or, "that sounds so old....". And it goes like that until month 5. (One month later.)

We then decide on Thelma Bea Hamilton Greenbank. I was stoked. She'd be my Thelma. My pretty, little Thelma Bea. It sounded so good, and I could imagine calling her name on a playground and just she'd turn around. I knew it was 'old', but it sounded perfect and I KNEW this was her name. Levi felt (so he said) exactly the same. Until we had to tell people.

We didn't expect people to be so blunt with how much they hated her name. We really didn't. And it hurt. It hurt me really badly, Levi looked hurt and that made it even worse. We felt like "if her own family says things like this....then who's to say what kids will say?" I cried for days. Levi immediatly started looking at other names and I felt like my favorite name in the whole world had just been taken from me. I felt robbed. Yes, I could stil name her this. But then what? Then I'm stuck self-conscous and worried for her. It was a pathetic move, but we chose an 'alternative', because we were so hurt.

The alternative is not to be named, because despite what the rest of my/his loudmouth family will tell you, I wanted to keep it a surprise. Call me a drama queen, but I felt that atleast if I could learn to love this name as much as Levi did before everyone started saying it, maybe it'd grow on me. Maybe I wouldn't feel like everyone had bullied me. Anywho, the alternative IS a lovely name, and I do love it. Just not as much as I loved Thelma. You might be thinking some of the following things, and I'll tell you why each isn't happening.

1. "Just do both! You can put one as the first, and one as the middle!"

Okay. This is not a solution, however good it sounds. ONE of the names will have to be the first name, thus it's what she'll be called. So really, only one is still going to be "the" name. That, and they sound terrible together. Even just as first-middle name. Terrible.

2. "Well you can just name the next one!"

There won't be a next one. Not only will my body probably not allow it, but I don't want a 'next one' and even if we did, every child is precious, i don't want one to be 'mine' and one to be 'his'. I want to have equal parts in both of their whole lives, names and all.

3. "Well change it now anyways!"

If i did that, it'd put levi where I am now. And that's something I won't do, purposely. He loves her new name and I can tell it's exactly what he plans to call her. I won't steal that from him and honestly, it'd just make me feel shitty for making him feel that way.

So really. There isn't much to be done here. Levi told me I could have free-reign on her middle name, but I care about this as much as I care about my grocery shopping list. i feel like I'll get 'around to it' and really, i feel like the middle name is only made to make the first name sound better, and to differentiate between two children who may coincidentially have the same first and last name. None of this matters to me, on a  sentimental level. It feels like a pretty utilitarian duty. I chose three middle names I liked pretty well and that fit the first name decently but I honestly don't feel any sentimental value towards them. I don't know anyone called by the first and middle name on a regular basis and I don't care to make her into one of those people, so really it's just a paper name. A name she'll write on the few occasions the line says "full name" and the even fewer occasions that she takes the time to actually do that. It kills me to know that I've let such a big ship sail. I don't know what will happen in the hospital, but right now I've got a feeling the paperwork will be a very stiff and awkward moment. I just hope that she doesn't mind nick names, because I plan to call her Little Foot forever, until she becomes so embarrassed I need to call her by her actual name.

So there you have it, name regret. It blows.