Anxious

Anxious is one thing that comes to mind when I try to describe my emotions right now.

We have a Dr.s appointment on Monday, and we're hoping Little Foot and I are measuring back to normal. We're also hoping that they'll run some tests without being prompted, since they informed us that they were worried about low fluids. (Which I did some research on and had a panic attack when I realized almost everyone else got induced when they had low fluids.) The part about all of this that's making most anxious though, is that this is our 37 week mark (this monday is) and we've had a really rough pregnancy, and I haven't been able to work, or really do anything, and we've made it past the expected 'end date'. I say 'end date', because it wasn't a due date, but they really only expected us to make it to 34 weeks, that was our goal anyways. After that I was showered with compliments at every appointment. I've only gotten sicker, and Little Foot has actually started to get SMALLER and we're growing very, very anxious about asking for an induction. Our hospitals policy doesn't allow them until 39 wks without a medical reason, but with all the hoopla in this pregnancy, we're hoping just ONE of the complications we've had/are having, is enough to get us a 38 week induction.

Now. I know what you're thinking. "How selfish and inconsiderate!", "Those last weeks count!", or "First time/young mothers ALWAYS do this crap.". But stop. Please know, that my partner and I, considered these very things when we were offered her removal during my 35 wk appendectomy. I said no. Just no. Why? Because if through all of this chaos, my Little Foot wanted to stay nestled in my womb for just a few more days, safely tucked away from all this mess, no matter how uncomfortable for me, that was fine. And no one was going to stop her. I still feel really strongly that the last weeks matter in a pregnancy and I detest the idea of induction. I really do. A lot of other htings went into consideration when I decided that at this upcoming appointment I would make it as clear as possible that this had to happen soon.

1. The last weeks DO matter, but when the baby isn't getting the right nutrients or growing properly, and is under stress, I think it'd be best for her to be out here where I can help her and feed her and MAKE SURE she gets what she needs.

2. I have made it past the expected 'end date', and have had all in all, a horrible pregnancy. For the both of us. She hasn't had ONE dr.'s appt where we left thinking she was in perfect health, or that things were improving.

3. The sooner she is out, the less chances there are for something to go horribly wrong. By horribly wrong, I mean leaving the hospital with out this baby.


I really fought myself on this one, because so far everything that has been 'good' for her, meant discomfort or pain for me. So the fact that getting her out of me, thus relieving me, was going to also benefit her, was too much. I kept trying to figure out if it REALLY was the best option for her, or if I was doing it for myself. In the end, I decided I just caught a break on this one, because it's whats best for us both.

I also fought the idea in general. I still wanted that natural birth, and with an induction, it's already over. It's already augmented. I could still shoot for a pain killer-free birth, but with induction my chances of that would go down dramatically. Not because I'm pessimistic, but because I know myself, and what I'm willing to do. I'm not willing to be miserable. Uncomfortable, or even in pain, is something I can handle, but the minute it becomes miserable, I'm out. I won't let myself be miserable during the birth of my child just for my pride. I'd rather be loopier than a goddamn box of fruit loops on pain killers, than to look back and shudder on my birth experience. At the same time, I'd be pretty proud of myself if I could make it without anything.

All in all, an induction, and soon, is what's best. And even though I'm particularly shy about asking for specific things when it comes to health care, this is one thing I think I want badly enough to eclipse that shyness.

My game plan is just to start with q's, like, "what's the hospital's policy on induction?", then work my way to, "Do you think we could have an induction date? Even if it's a little ways away, I'd like to know."

Wish me luck! We're hoping for an induction for the week of the 10th!!