Our Little Foot

This pregnancy has been really hard for me, and I've had a lot of emotional up's and down's and I can honestly say I'm beginning to let go of some of the guilt that comes with these feelings. Anyone can tell you that it's okay to feel a certain way, and you can read all the articles you want, but in the end when you feel a certain way, and that certain way isn't exactly what you think you should be feeling, and it concerns your baby/child, you feel guilty. Or atleast I did.

When Little Foot was 17 weeks along, we found out we were pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy that we were far from prepared for. That didn't stop us from being happy and loving Little Foot to death, though! Everything seemed to happen so late for us. So even though everyone else typically knows they're pregnant for about 17-20 weeks before they find out, we got to find out just about 8 weeks after we knew we were pregnant. It still felt like an eternity. This is where things get tough though.

I had always wanted a boy. Always. I grew up in a house of 5 girls, one dad. Even my dog was a female. I had always wanted a son, ever since I was little. So naturally, when we found out we were pregnant, I wanted a boy, still. Not only did I want a boy, I knew it was a boy. I just did. We went shopping long before we knew the gender with whatever extra cash we had every week, and bought tiny socks, little hats, onsies, a bassinet. Mostly gender nuetral things that Lev picked out. I, on the other hand, knowing it was a boy, picked out blue things, things with puppies on it, things with cowboy designs. I even picked out a little blue polka dotted diaper bag. Lev reluctantly stood aside while I did these things, and only said, "A girl would be nice, too...". I reffered to the baby as 'he' and didn't put much time into finding a girl name. His name would be Zander. That was that.

At 20 weeks we were in a car accident and we had to go into the ER for a contraction blocker. We had been rear ended and I started throwing up my breakfast and stomach acids after wards, then the contractions began and it was clear we needed to go to the hospital. We were checked in and they decided to monitor me. They found contractions and said I was dehydrated. I was given contraction blocker, and an IV. More importantly, they wanted an ultrasound to see that Little Foot was all in one piece and that there was a working heart, and no broken bones. Being that we were just far along enough to find out what the gender was, we asked. The tech said she was not allowed to say, due to the fact we were in a 'crisis'. So we were left to decipher it on our own. The Tech found our little one, very still, but very alive. Lev's mother was in the room with us, and all but Lev agreed it was a boy. Lev said he saw girl parts, and it was a girl for sure. But with his mom on my side, I was yet again reassured that Little Foot was a boy.

The weeks following that I was excited for the gender scan at our doctors office, but I knew that it was a boy, so it didn't seem like it would change anything, other than having more pictures of our adorable son. That night I asked Lev a million and a half times how excited he was. Each time his answer was, "Very, very.". That morning we went in and I remember sitting for what seemed like an eternity waiting to be called back into the room. We were running late, because we wanted to thrift shop before, and had tried a new thrift store. We also had forgot the 32oz rule, and had run to Burger King to grab some water to make up for it, and when we had got there, I had barely gulped the last of the 32 oz of water. We looked through the Baby magazine that was next to us, and talked about how we thought the baby would look and how excited we were.

She called us back and the gel was put all over my belly, she started down by my bladder and got grumpy quick. She said, "Your bladder is practically empty. Did you forget?", given that I had to pee right then, I told her I hadn't forgot and that I had to pee, now. And she rolled her eyes. She didn't say much and lev finally asked, "So...what is it?", she looked up and said, "Well obviously it's a girl.". Lev's face lit up like you wouldn't believe and he looked like he'd just won the lottery. He had the cheesiest grin I've ever seen on when I looked over at him.

I, on the other hand, was having hot flashes and sweating. This tech hadn't been doing this very long, had she? How could she get it wrong? I asked, "Are you sure?", and she grimaced at me and said, "Of course I am.". After which I had a million and a half things to say, like, "can we try again later?", "Is it a bad angle?", "Could we look again?". Eventually, it sank in and I got quiet. I went home and I went to the bed room. We sat in bed and Lev talked about all of the things we'd do with our little daughter and the things we'd buy her and how she'd look, but I sat there and sank further and further away from reality, feeling constantly like I was falling. Lev finally looked at me and said, "You aren't mad are you?". And I said, "of course not.". Because how do you tell someone you are unhappy about something like that?

Later that day I caved. I cried and cried. At first for maybe an hour or two at a time, until I found something to occupy myself with. Then days later I still found my self upset when we went shopping and Lev picked the floral version, or the pink version of whatever the item was. I found myself looking at her tiny socks and shoes and clothes, crying, feeling so upset. So dissapointed. So guilty.

To set things straight, it wasn't that I didn't love her. It wasn't that I didn't want her now that she was a girl, and i certaintly didn't want anything to happen to her. I just felt so many things at once had gone wrong. First of all, my intuition had been wrong. And I was so sure that I had told everyone what I thought. I felt like I had no intuition suddenly, and I was embarrassed that everyone would know I was wrong, including myself. THEN, there's always the simple fact that I had wanted a boy ever since I was little. I had never considered the chance that it could be a girl. AND of course, I felt horrible that I had a tiny helpless, innocent daughter just growing peacefully in my belly, like any other baby, just waiting to be loved and wanted, and held; and here I was upset about something she had no control over, couldn't help, and of course it is one of the large facts of her life. She had no favorite foods, no favorite places, no hobbies. She was a little fetus. There are only a few things you can know factually about about someone who is not born yet, and I was upset about one of them. I felt terrible.


In the end though, while I still really want a boy, I love my daughter with ALL my heart. I love how adorable she's going to look in her little cloth mary janes, and the way her little head bands will look. I love every hiccup and cherish every heartbeat. I love her so much more than I could ever hope to explain. I just want anyone to know that if your going through some similiar feelings, it's okay. You'll come around. Not to say some days I don't cry when I see tonka trucks and little boy's outfits, but the love and adoration I have for my daughter far outshines the want for a son. Don't feel bad. It'll be okay!